obsessions.

these past 3/4 weeks have been AWFUL. i can tell when im really down, for like no reason whatsoever. cos i binge. horrendously. like today. and yesterday. and the day before. and the day before that. you get the picture. and i clean. i have just cleaned the whole fucking kitchen and living room. and for what? so people can shit it all up again by this time tomorrow. fucking wonderful. i dunno im at like my highest weight now, and its really getting to me. i have never been this fat in my life. my cutting has gotten worse, again. and i cant even tell why. i have 6 weeks till i finish uni. i cant fucking wait. i just wanna go home. i dont wanna be stuck here alone. i have made some great friends here, but as per usual, im only good enough when there is no one else around. fucking excellent. and i know they are all judging me, talking about how i have put on so much weight in such a short space of time. i know it. i dont blame them, its fucking disgusting. im disgusting. eugh. 

but anyway, from tomorrow, im starting my new diet. im gonna weigh my self in the morning, take measurements and a progress photo. then i will weigh myself 2x a week, and check my measurements and photos 2 weeks in, and again at the end. then im gonna stick at this for 4 weeks, too truely see if i can make some progress. i want this so much. so yeah, 20 weight watchers points a day (i know its meant to be 29 but i cant afford to do that right now) and exercise 3x a week. only drink tea and water. if im drinking alcohol i can have max 15 points a day and i must dance all night to burn some calories. so yeah. im determined to do this now. im sick of fucking laxatives and trying to purge and getting fatter by the second. its vile. and im making a change. as of now. (well tomorrow morning but you get my drift)

hope everyone is having a better time than i am! 

so you know im in a bad way when i blog. fuck. im so fucking triggered. i binged like fuck earlier, and i didnt even want to. i just did it. i cant explain it, i have never had a binge like that before. couldnt purge anything. fuck. 

im just pissed off at the world. my housemates. myself. scrolling through tumblr to trigger myself more. if my arms didnt have to be on show for work i would have slashed them up a LONG time ago. but i do, so looks like im shredding my legs tonight. 

fuck, i havent felt this bad in a LONG time. and listening to the script is making everything worse. but i cant stop.

i wish i didnt have to result to cutting myself all the time. but im getting worse, AGAIN. and i dont even care to be honest. fucking shitty bastard feelings. fuck this. 

i just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

well, i planned to start a slight restriction today. 1200 cals a day, for a week, just to get out of my constant binging mode, and then i will probably reduce it abit more. but seriously, the whole novelty of chocolate after lent has taken over and POW - mega binge on shitty easter eggs. fml. seriously hating my fucking willpower right now. however i have planned my whole day tomorrow, my to do list and my meals, plus a small snack before work so i dont give in to buying food at work. so yeah, fingers crossed i will manage it tomorrow. i really hope i can, just for this week. so i can get back on track. once im at uni it will be so easy, i wont have to worry. but atm im struggling slightly. pffffft. 

wow. today has been one huge huge huge binge. and ironically, i have been stuffing my face whilst wasting my life away on tumblr, tracking all food related tags. binging to my hearts content and then purging it all back up. last night my mum told me about a friends daughter who has ‘real problems, as in shoving her fingers down her throat’. interesting. no one has any idea. this little girl is like early teens, and my heart aches for her, she shouldnt have to go through this shit. i dunno. lots of mixed emotions. i know im gonna cut later. and im not that bothered tbh. i just know that i have so much control whilst im at uni, and i come home, and it all goes completely down the shitter (quite literally). sorry, tmi. its so frustrating. i honestly thought i had overcome my binging problems, and the purging that goes with it. but today has been a massive set back. i have planned tomorrows meal, and im busy all day, so hopefully i should be quite successful, fingers crossed. im going out at the weekend, so i need to get rid of this horrendous bloat, i need to keep my eating clean - like i was doing, and so well may i add! its just incredibly frustrating. 

not posted in a while. why am i doing so now? i dont know. cos i feel like complete and utter shit. its nearly easter. so im looking forward to seeing my family and friends again, starting to feel incredibly homesick now. seriously not long to go now though, i just need to get a grip really. been doing a lot of deep horrible thinking recently. questioning stuff that never bothered me before, not in the slightest. like, im nearly 20. nearly 20! and i have a shitty blog to vent about my self harm and shitty eating insecurities and self confidence issues. im nearly 20. im not a screwed up teenager anymore - im a fucking adult. why am i like this? i shouldnt still be cutting myself, hanging on to every negative comment i hear, being so stupidly self conscious, paranoid about everyone and everything around me. i should have had sex by now, but i havent, cos im too ashamed of my body and what i have/haven’t done to it. i dont even know. i have all these stupid thoughts running through my head all the time. im in a horrible disgusting place and i cant escape. im trying and trying, and nothing works. i wish i could tell someone all this. but i cant. i never will be able to. im my own fucking enemy. i know its not normal. fuck. the thought of suicide keeps flashing through my mind. i swore i would never fuck myself up this badly. and its fucking happened. and now im so trapped, i cant see any light at the end of this fucking tunnel. im just tired of pretending im alright, ‘faking a smile’ as it were, and all that ‘deep’ bullshit. but hey, why do something about it right? instead i can just sit here and trigger myself until i bleed. wonderful. 

kinda freaking out. big time. heart to heart last night with my house mate. self harm, weight etc. fuck i dont know why i talked. its scared the shit out of me. fuckkkkkk. im gonna weigh myself again tomorrow morning. im back on weight watchers. and it will be done. i cant stand being this fat. my legs are huge. my stomach is even bigger. its disgusting. everytime i look at myself i feel sick. and now im going mad about this whole thing. why did i answer the questions? what possessed me to? i dont understand - i shouldnt have done it. im so scared right now. i dont know what to do. 

so i had a small binge on cake tonight. thats right SMALL. overall, im still at like 1500 cals for the whole day. normally i dont go over 1000, but i feel strangely ok about this. its really weird. so yeah. determined not to let it happen tomorrow though. just planned my intake for tomorrow, now gonna do the fab ab february workout. yay. hope i see some results by the end of this week! 

so, its like i have finally lost my HUGE appetite. this is a VERY good thing. instead of eating 3 meals a day plus 3 snacks (all big may i add) im just eating like 3 snacks and 1 meal. and, even more surprisingly - im not left feeling hungry! i have chocolate in the kitchen and i havent eaten any! this NEVER happens. so yeah, feeling pretty pleased with my progress over the past few days. and now i know i can continue. seriously, its like i have made a massive break through! the past few months have been so bad for me, im finally getting back on track properly. its such a relief! 

im gonna try and come back on here again now. i have been around, watching my dash, but just not making any contribution myself. i feel so ashamed atm of how i have become the past few weeks, binging on everything. but i have learnt something. if i dont eat when i get up, i dont get hungry for a long time. im drinking 2l of water a day, and a shit load of caffeine, and i think i can do this. i know i can. so yeah, hopefully im back on track. i didnt dare weigh in this morning. but next week i will. i swear. im determined to get back to where i was.

ok so

sorry i have gone AWOL recently. i have had a bad few weeks and my eating habits have been awful. however i restarted yesterday. and im doing well so far.

2 meals and 2 snacks a day. today i have had a choc biscuit and hot choc aswell (skinny of course) however im not gonna beat my self up about it. little treats (that arent horrendously calorific) are ok every so often! 

so yeah, yesterday i didnt eat anything other than some porridge, low fat cheese pasta, a fat free yogurt and a cappucino. pretty impressive, especially with how bad i have been doing!

similar stuff today, but with some fruit and veggies too, (and my small chocolate splurge) but hey, im ok with it! fingers crossed im moving onwards and upwards. 

im hoping to weigh in again this sunday. i havent dared for the past 2 weeks, i have been too embarrassed! 

but yeah, here goes! hope everyone has a nice day, i should be back on here more often again now! take care guys xx